Short Tall Tales of the Short One
by A Faggot
Summary: A collection of Nico's stories that, like my girlfriend, are real. And hot.


**Scott Joplin - Maple Leaf Rag  
**

* * *

 **Yazawa Family's Hunger**

 _"Alas, my beloved daughter, I am perishing!" sighs Yazawa-dad dramatically from his prone position on the bed as he holds a thin hand to his feverish forehead._

 _"Father, no!" the eldest Yazawa daughter cries as she kneels down and clasps her father's other hand._

 _"My beloved daughter, my time on this plane is short! Hear ye well whilst I have the breath!"_

 _"Speak, O father. Thine devoted daughter lends thee her ears full."_

 _"Nico, when I am gone, help your mother. Without me, she will have to work twice—no, three times—as hard to make ends meet. You are still young, so alleviate her burden where you can: at home and with your siblings."_

 _"Verily father, I hear and obey."_

 _"One more thing I ask of you in supplication. Will you indulge this dying man's final request?"_

 _"Reverently I receive it."_

 _"Take care of your siblings. Be for them the role model I cannot be. Raise them in integrity and truth to become healthy, hardworking citizens. To this end, they will need their mother as well. Herein lies the intersection with my first petition: handle the housework that your mother may spend time with the children as well."_

 _"Dutifully your daughter will carry all this out."_

 _"Then this man has no more regrets. Serenely I breathe my last."_

 ** _Thus it is that Father Yazawa passes away in the winter of that fateful year._**

* * *

 ** _Although Mother Yazawa was still rearing Cotarou and unable to work, a combination of government aid and insurance managed to maintain a roof over our heads and put food on the table, meager though the portions may be. It is on one late summer's eve the next chapter of our story continues._**

 _"Mother, I am still hungry. May I have more?"_

 _At Cocoa's question, everyone halts. Three pairs of scarlet eyes fix themselves on the third child of the Yazawas. A piece of broccoli falls from Cocoro's chopsticks. Nico becomes paralyzed with wonder, slumping back into her chair for support lest she falls off completely. Even Cotarou, who has not yet managed speech, gazes in stupefied astonishment. Yazawa-mom's face, however, is drawn with shame as she answers._

 _"Cocoa, there is no more."_

 _Despite there still being bits of turnip, broccoli and spinach on the table, there is no more rice. Yazawa-mom can provide no more. With government aid being reduced due to Yazawa-mom no longer needing to nurse Cotarou and the insurance all collected, this interim period of unemployment is indeed the most financially challenging the Yazawa family has undergone yet. Indeed, meals have become simpler and simpler with little to no taste, and the portions ever smaller. It is at this moment that Nico remembers the last words of her late father._

"Take care of your siblings. Raise them in integrity and truth to become healthy, hardworking citizens."

 _The eldest daughter knows what she must do. She pushes back her chair and stands up._

 _"I'm done eating, so you can have my rice if you want." In truth, Nico is the hungriest as she is entering a phase of rapid growth. The only one to see through her deception is her mother, who shoots her a heartfelt glance. Cocoa accepts her sister's bowl with an enthusiastic cheer._

 _Nico goes to her room with hunger gnawing at her belly. The suffering is intense._

 _But the happy look on Cocoa's face as she digs in makes it all worth it._

* * *

"Wow Nico-chan." Honoka sniffs while wiping away tears from the corner of her eyes. "I never knew you were so self-sacrificing and full of sisterly love."

"No wonder why her siblings adore her nya," adds Rin as she dries her cheeks with a handkerchief. "Nico-chan, will you be my older sister?"

Nico smirks. "If you liked that, then you're gonna love this. We haven't even gotten to the best part yet.

* * *

 ** _That autumn Mother Yazawa manages to land a part time job. Unfortunately, this results in her coming home late and cooking dinner late._**

 ** _One chilly e'en a fateful change occurs..._**

 _The sound of sizzling oil can be heard over the delighted chatter of Cocoro and Cocoa. Cotarou sits in a corner silently playing with his blocks, and Nico stares hard in the direction of the kitchen._

Mother's been working hard on her new job, _thinks the eldest daughter._ She's so tired that, nowadays, all she does at home is cook and sleep. I haven't forgotten father's words; my brother and sisters need mother too. I may already be doing all the vacuuming and laundry, but it's time I stepped up even more.

 _"Mother," says Nico as she steps into the kitchen. Yazawa-mom turns her attention from the frying pan she's attending to to her daughter. "Let me take over for you."_

 _"Thank you Nico," replies Yazawa-mom with a weary but grateful smile. "If you can stir these vegetables now and then, that'd free me up to cut the fish."_

 _"No, mother. Allow me to take over everything."_

 _"Everything?"_

 _"Mother, for the past nine months you have taught me your culinary techniques. The time has come for me to put my skills to the test."_

 _"But Nico..."_

 _"They need you too. Cocoro, Cocoa and Cotarou almost never get to see you anymore. I'll take care of dinner. You just focus on the kids."_

 _At this, Yazawa-mom finally relents. She retreats to the living room with a smile and a nod directed at Nico._

Now then, let's get this meal on the table...

* * *

 _"Gee onee-sama, this smells really good!"_

 _"Let's eat! Let's eat! I'm starving!"_

 _Even Yazawa-mom looks impressed._

 _"Well? Dig in." announces Nico with pride. "Have a taste of the number one chef in the universe's_ _料理_ _."_

 _"Itadakimasu!" choruses the four other Yazawas. Yazawa-mom reaches out with her chopsticks and picks up a piece of fish._

 _The fish has entered her mouth for nary a second when her eyes goes wide and orange flames erupt from her body, immolating her clothes but leaving the body (and surroundings) unharmed._

 _"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" roars Yazawa-mom as she rises out of her seat. The fish invigorates her body, causing her to gain two feet in height and her body to become muscle-bound beyond human capacity. A similar effect overtakes Nico's siblings as mouthfuls of vegetables, rice and fish are consumed._

 _The eldest daughter of Yazawa finds herself before four hulking behemoths that look like they jumped out of the panels of Fist of the North Star._

 _"Nico!" gasps Yazawa-mom in astonishment. Even her voice has become deeper. "This food is amazing!"_

 _"Onee-sama! Truly you are the best chef in the whole entire world! The entire universe, even!" praises the children in unison._

 _"I'm so proud to have raised a daughter like you!"_

 _Then the doors burst open as TV reporters floods into the room to interview the single greatest human being that has ever graced the earth with her footsteps and the walls start clapping and—_

* * *

"Nicocchi, aren't you getting a bit too carried away?"

A glance at Nozomi's hands is enough to make the diminutive idol pause out of self-preservation.

"What's with all that fancy talk in the beginning?" scoffs Maki. "You're always so brash; I can't imagine that happening at all."

"Ha, just what I expected from those whomst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es have no class to say."

"Most of what you said sounds made up anyways," the redhead retaliates. "But I can believe the part about giving your food to your sister. That would explain why you're so short."

"What did you say?!"

"Actually, that bit probably never happened either," comments Eli. "If you were indeed the hungriest, you would've finished eating before your little sister."

 _Curses! Foiled again by the sharp mind of Elichika!_

"Hmph! You clearly have no appreciation for my **artistic license**." Nico grumbles with a pout. "Well fine! How about the time I..."

"Sorry I'm late," apologizes Umi as she enters the clubroom. "Practice took longer than I expected. Let's begin now, shall we?"

Without further ado, the girls file out the door to the rooftop.

* * *

 **Nico, being the comedic relief of the series, lends herself well to crack and shitposting. I can envision a multitude of silly scenarios to put her in. As such, I don't think I'll ever put the 'complete' tag on this story.**

 **Still, when I inevitably fail to update, I'll just point to the publish date and pass it off as 'just a prank bro'.**

 **Also, that would be 矢澤家の空腹 (Yazawa-ke no kuufuku) for all you weebs.**


End file.
